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What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism!
Posted on Wednesday, September 28 @ 21:11:26 EDT by | 
The following post is written by our female aspie blogger Kirsten Lindsmith:
It's that time again, folks! Another rambling blog post! Today's topic will be one I see discussed quite often on WP: dating. I want to begin by stating that no, I am not Alex's "new girlfriend"—and is that a question that would ever be asked of a male blogger?—I am just a person. I'm writing this blog because I work with Alex, and I like writing. I've also been told that I give good advice, though I don't know if this is true of if people are just being polite. Anyway, onwards to the topic we all know and love…
As I a child I just assumed relationships were something that just happened. As I got older and was enticed with fantasies of entering the dating scene, I discovered a seemingly essential piece to the puzzle that I had absolutely no idea how to master: flirting. Brainwashed by childhood that "liking" someone was a teasable offense, I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of making any sort of moves on my targets. This is an area where girls have the advantage over guys. I had no idea how to flirt or show interest, so I was often overlooked. it finally came down to it, I wasn't expected to make a chase. In the end, all I really had to do was wait.
When I was finally asked out at the age 15 (by fellow socially awkward nerd who I had a thing for) I had no idea how to react. After an uncomfortably long silence, I think I said something along the lines of, "I don't know, I'm really busy, I don't know if I have time. I'll get back to you." I eventually got back to him via the classic aspie socialization assistant, AOL Instant Messenger. We went on exactly one date. We met for lunch at a local ice cream parlor and ordered sandwiches. I had brought a book (always prepared!) and we read it together, our thighs touching. All the while my anxiety was mounting: "oh no, these people know we like each other." Ridiculous. Though we "dated" for about five months, we never went out on a one-on-one date again. And all the while, he had to ask permission to hug me, and some times I didn't let him. Looking back on it, I'm surprised that I was the one to break up with him. He was quite the trooper, to deal with my issues.
My next "serious" boyfriend was totally out of left field. He was like an alien to me. He was charismatic and popular; everyone knew his name. He was famous purely because he was so nice, and he was a friend to everyone and anyone. We met because he had to stay back a year after spending a semester in Kenya teaching English (yes, really), and a friend decided to play matchmaker, over AIM no less. He was everything I am not. I learned so much in that year simply from being around him. We would talk to homeless people sitting on the sidewalk outside Subway, and learn their life stories. We hung out with the local schizophrenic while he cleaned the streets to make the town clean enough to entice celebrities to visit. Wherever we would go, people would recognize him, and I was forced into a world of interaction.
He noticed my difficulties, and in a valiant effort, attempted to fix them. I learned that the proper response to, "How are you?" isn't just, "Good," it's, "Good, how are you?"—or some variation. I learned to monitor my facial expression, and posture. I'd never even noticed that I spoke with a monotone until he pointed out that I needed to use "inflection," whatever that was. I morphed from an autistic anime nerd into a normal girl. The only problem was, I felt like I was broken. This was pre-diagnosis, and I knew nothing about autism, and I only knew that we would have disastrous arguments because I couldn't analyze my own emotions and opinions. In the end, all the struggles are what taught my to express myself.
I'm incredibly grateful to what I learned from Mr. Perfect-Neurotypical, even if our relationship didn't work out in the end. I learned to present myself to the world, which was something I had no idea about before. I didn't have to flirt, but I did have to grow out my hair and stop wearing rainbows after I learned all the boys thought I was a lesbian. Women are expected to be the bait, the object that gets picked up. Over the years I've improved my grooming abilities, and I think I look pretty normal these days. I still don't have the sexy posture, or the come-hither eyes, but that's not really my thing.
My current boyfriend is the other co-host on Autism Talk TV, Jack. We met in a sort of complicated way. We went to the same high school, but by the time we met, I was a senior and he had already dropped out. He was a friend of my charismatic boyfriend (who wasn't?), and we hung out often. I knew he had "Asperger's", but I had no idea what that really meant. He seemed perfectly normal, and by that I mean just like me. We had all the same interests, we shared a sort of odd (autistic?) sense of humor, and we even had many of the same quirks and oddities, like facial expressions. We could ramble on and on to the other about special interests like science or politics. When my ex and I had our falling out, things sort of clicked, as silly as that sounds. At the time I felt I'd found my soul mate. I know now that our astounding similarities are due in part to the fact that we both have autism. But I still don't regret my decision.
It's not quite right to say that dating has always come easily to me, but I certainly haven't had to face the hardships that many others on the spectrum encounter. I think this was due to the fact that I was always able to maintain a stable group of friends, some of whom were male. I would make a friend, and if we were both attracted to each other, we would eventually wind up dating somehow. Again, I don't deny that this is a place where female aspies have an advantage. In our culture, males are supposed to take the position of hunter. If you're a socially awkward male who's shy talking to girls, it's far less likely that the girl will choose to ask you out, saving you the trouble. Despite my awkwardness, I was always the recipient of propositions, meaning that I didn't have to learn "game" or anything. I wish girls felt more comfortable asking guys out. Most girls I talk to worry that it's too forward, and the guy won't like it. But my male friends say it would be heaven if girls asked them out instead of them having to make the first move. Such is the perplexing position gender roles put us in.
I spent my high school years giving dating advice to my more socially successful friends, and I've built up a good mental database of dating knowledge. I don't use it myself, and I'm not sure if I ever want to (being picked up in a bar isn't really my thing). Though I think the most universal piece of advice I can give is to just be yourself. I know that sounds cliché, but if you try to act like someone you're not, you're never going to be able to have a decent relationship. That doesn't mean do whatever you want, just don't pretend to like some stupid band if you don't, or wear your hair some crazy way because you think it'll help you "get girls." If a person doesn't like you when you act naturally, they're not someone you want to date anyway.
My friends and associates have always been people who like listening to rambling stories about surgery, or the spread of some horrific disease. They're people who share my interests and passions, and I expect the same from my mate.
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by artrat Thursday, December 01 @ 03:20:45 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | You write very nice articles but I don't think many girls with aspergers can relate to this. We need another female writer besides you. I have never been in a relationship and didn't even have friends in school.
I think most girls with aspergers feel social isolated. I understand you are trying to be positive but this is unrealistic. It probably is easier for you because you are attractive. You are a decent writer but I can't relate to this at all. This is probably directed towards kids and not hopeless adults. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by rickc77 Wednesday, November 16 @ 11:03:56 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I would love a girl to ask me out, but that's probably because i am a bit anxious about doing it myself, however once my diet is complete and i am skinny i will have the confidence to carry out my flirty side that has been missing for ages.
I just opened up to a girl in a way i have never done before. I showed her pure love and she couldn't handle it. It ended by me making an absolute idiot of myself due to the effects of an MDMA comedown had on me thinking i had testicular cancer at 3am when i was staying over at her house 2 days before she was due to move in with me. I am such a fool. I got it into my head that i was about to die cos of what i thought was a lump on my ball. I laugh now but due to lack of sleep and also my hangover and the utter vulnerable feeling of being crazy in love with her combined to make me act in the most rediculously melodramatic outburst that scared the shit out of her. This was following 3 weeks of intimate getting to know you and bonding that was so intense it would make me laugh and cry all day when i was alone. I keep dreaming she is coming back but she told me not to contact her anymore after i was rediculously honest.
Such is life. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by aussiebloke Wednesday, September 28 @ 22:00:46 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Why should we be ourselves who wants to date a introverted and boring dork especially so if that dork isn't particulary cerebral a non cerebral dork.
Though I wholeheartedly agree when you thought relationships just happened why can't it be that easy ? instead of all the boring tedium that goes with it
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by cathylynn Thursday, September 29 @ 01:28:14 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | i asked my husband out TWICE before he accepted. i met him at work and found out we had common interests. i suggested we share enjoying one of those together. he said how about coffee, but never got around to setting a date. after waiting a few months i asked, how about that coffee. well, he fell in love over coffee. i had to slow him down to let a reasonable amount of time pass to really get to know each other (6 months) before i let him propose. he doesn't have asperger's, but he's quiet like me. we're best friends.
btw, i think you mean act natural as in be yourself. act naturally means to perform on stage as if one were born to act. don't feel bad. hemingway made the same mistake. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by CaptainTrips222 Thursday, September 29 @ 06:27:06 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Thank you Kirsten. This blog entry was heartfelt and insightful. I've enjoyed reading your blog from day one, but never responded. This one touched on a point that I feel is kind of a sore spot with the love and dating aspect of being an aspie. Men ARE expected to make the first move, and are at -at least- somewhat of a disadvantage. Those few who point it out are accused of self pity and being a whiner, or blaming women in general. Of course nobody's at fault if an aspie guy has trouble finding a match, but he IS at a disadvantage because of society's gender expectations. It's only a fact. While it doesn't make a difference whether women admit this or not, it's nice to see a little validation from a female aspie. I also agree that it cuts the social stress level if you have a solid group of friends. Knowing that your support circle is there makes a huge difference, in a way that can't be quantified. Looking forward to hearing from you again. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by amojak Thursday, September 29 @ 07:13:41 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.kijoma.net | | "I want to begin by stating that no, I am not Alex's "new girlfriend"—and is that a question that would ever be asked of a male blogger?"
if you were a male blogger then they would ask if you were his new boyfriend surely :)
but i get the point and will restrain my pedantics :) |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by techstepgenr8tion Thursday, September 29 @ 09:16:41 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Similar story here - I had that rare luck of having the right interests and apparently the right kind of personality where I had some of the luck women do; ie. drawing the right types of friends who gave me advice and helped me along. The thing that's challenging - a stable circle of friends still may not be enough, my circle seemed like it had too many players and if anything single and attractive came into the sphere they'd help themselves first - even if they themselves were already taken.
In the end math I don't think there's anyone else for someone to be but themselves, the trick is figuring out who their own 'best' self is and what they wish they could draw more from. The upside - even if it doesn't net you a long term relationship until you're 35 or 40 - when someone has something going for themselves it makes life that much more liveable regardless. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by rondeau Thursday, September 29 @ 12:14:39 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Thanks for your story. Learning from short term relationships is quite healthy. When I first watched a video of you, I didn’t get the image that you write about. Rather, my first thought was Aspie Girl. Then I thought how warm and insightful you were. Certainly this was not a girl I would miss in a crowd to be sure. The message I got was that this would be a girl that I could sit next to and have a discussion about anything and my day would be richer for it. So give yourself credit for everything that you are, because you certainly beamed through to me as being a wonderful person. Myself, I as well try to learn from every relationship and encounter. Relationships I have had were derived as a result of proximity; for much of my life, I lived in apartment complexes. So you really had to work hard if you wanted to avoid people. Further, I never went out on a date…kind of scary if you didn’t get a copy of the rule book, and it assumes too much really. However, I just went about life and girls just crossed my path. Without intention, I managed to be in places where girls were was how it was more than anything else. Finally, I like the part about not putting up fronts. That will always lead to trouble. Through much of my life I thought that if a disabled native can get girls, then anybody should be able to get girls. Since, I’ve replaced the disabled word with eccentric…LOL. Maybe the mistake guys make is thinking that girls will by default say no. However, you have to remember, it all biological. There was this notion that you can take any female and any male and put them on an island they can survive on, and there will be babies on that island. Maybe they should make a video game on that notion…LOL. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by The_Face_of_Boo Thursday, September 29 @ 14:28:30 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | " want to begin by stating that no, I am not Alex's "new girlfriend"—and is that a question that would ever be asked of a male blogger?—I am just a person."
:O
Point me to that rude guy who ever asked you a such personal question so I can deal with him!!!!!
*ROAR*
Even though, I wouldn't you mind you as "Boo's girlfriend"....or equivalently , me to be called as "Kirsten's boyfriend". (PS: yea, that was just a casual online flirt). |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by kotshka Thursday, September 29 @ 14:58:02 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://thirdcountrynational.blogspot.com | | This is all very nice, but what are those of us aspie girls supposed to do who do NOT get asked out... ever? I've been single for well over 5 years now, and not by choice. I've tried being myself, being fake, wearing various types of clothes, copying what I see other girls do, playing the "long game" with friends who never turn out to be interested, directly asking out guys, and everything else in between, with no success at all. My social skills are good at this point and most people have no idea there's anything different about me until it comes to flirting/dating - I'm completely at a loss. It's lovely to hear that not everyone has this problem, but it would be really helpful to hear some actual advice. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Chummy Thursday, September 29 @ 23:07:21 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | "What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love, but a second hand emotion?" :)
Thanks for the good read. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Chaviv Friday, September 30 @ 00:22:49 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | To aussiebloke who wonders why one should be an introverted dork, some do like that.
I prefer intelligent women, for one, which sadly seems to limit my choices in the US these days.
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by dalurker Friday, September 30 @ 01:28:18 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I never grasped the idea of "just being yourself". But basically, even though many aren't being forthcoming about this these days, ladies never want a guy who just lets himself get pushed around by others. They want someone who can take care of themselves and who has something going on in their life, and who isn't scared of them. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Schadenfreude Friday, September 30 @ 04:16:21 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | you scare me |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Ai_Ling Friday, September 30 @ 04:17:19 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I personally think with being autistic, its a lot harder to find a soulmate, not only because you may have a hard time meeting someone and presenting yourself as attractive. But just finding that person who cliques and gets you is difficult. I think your very lucky to not have had as much problems in the dating world.
Right now, I've decided to take a break from dating. I've had small number of unofficial BFs here and there. 2 online, 1 RL. Only 1 of them, I actually cliqued with but he was online. 2 of them were more so forced due to desperation on both parties. I finally met one guy(who Im 99% certain is BAP) who I found just "got" me in ways that no other guy has ever and he was in person. It just raised my expectations for a BF tremendously, but things were really confusing and we didnt end up dating but I swear we both liked each other. It makes me very sad :( at times just to sit back and realize how unique I really am and how rare it is for someone to "get" me. I know Im just 22, I wonder if I'll ever find a soulmate especially with my lack of abilities to meet me. But I realize many people on the spectrum face the sad fate in being single their entire life or ending up in bad relationships. Even tho finding relationships are a lot easier for aspie females, it seems that they commonly end up in abusive relationships :( |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by wendigopsychosis Friday, September 30 @ 08:22:32 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Ugh- so many typos. I wish there was a way I could edit this after it was posted! Ha. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Nanatoo Friday, September 30 @ 11:23:27 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Please don't believe the myth that neurotypical adults ease into dating and long-term relationships without any problems. All relationships that work require give-and-take and those that are based on similar interests and beliefs are more likely to succeed. However, none of them succeed well without effort on both parts. Enjoy your friends and interests... that is where you will likely find your life partner. Even neurotypical people feel awkward in the beginning of relationships. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by jhaarbur Friday, September 30 @ 13:36:48 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Agreed. I am a 25 year old Aspie male (as I posted in another article) who purposely avoided dating as a teeanger so I didn't have to put up with the humilation and what to me seemed abuserd NT teenage behavior. So, I avoided dating and relatioships until now when I can be independent and do things at my own pace. At this point in my life I really do want to be in a relationship and all I am trying to be patient but it isn't easy meeting people, especially with Asperger's and all. However, my advice to all you out there, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation is that don't listen to what society (everywhere) is telling you in that regard. This is the world society that led us to where we are today with them and their "normal". Instead, be yourself and do what makes you happy and you will find that special someone who will also feel the same way. It is better to pursue your internal goals of happiness than listen to "normal". We Aspies are independent thinkers anyway, so why should we conform to something were not? Pursue internal happiness and you'll get there. I haven't met the right girl yet even though I know some girl's were interested in me in the past, but I am not going to give up. Our wave function for people our age hasn't collapsed yet into a particle as far as what we will do with the rest our lives all together, so the future isn't written in stone!:) |
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forgot male Aspie immaturity? (Score: 1)
by Lonermutant Friday, September 30 @ 14:45:12 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://home.online.no/~ojmalm/ | | Did you forget that most Aspie men never learn skills with girls because the 7-8 year immaturity gap growing up? If you can't get a girlfriend you can't learn to get one either. Grow up and accept that your're not genetically progammed to have kids. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by The_Face_of_Boo Friday, September 30 @ 16:33:10 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Oh btw, Kirsten , I like your red lips, they're on fire!!!
And yes, you're right this time, I wouldn't ever ask a such question to a male blogger :rofl: |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Finmagik Saturday, October 01 @ 11:50:38 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I a girl who is the hunter. I've read and seen how these work. I come on to guys. However, I just get sex not boyfriends. And as for grooming abilities they are almost no-existant. i am clean just not well groomed. Reading this depressed me. I am to old to get into routine of keeping myself all girly and pretty. Besides I stay inside so much lately because of medical issues that it doesn't matter. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Ria1989 Sunday, October 02 @ 12:40:56 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Growing up I also stored a lot of information about dating and gender roles that NTS expect us to use (not that I used it myself). I find reality tv interesting to say the least. Even though people generally aren't that obnoxious in person, it seems that NT women do expect the males to come to them first. I am not really like that. I like to pursue men that I wish to have! Why wait for the wrong one to come around and ask me?
Congrats you found the love of your life! That is a really cute story. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Jessi_in_wonderland Sunday, October 02 @ 16:18:17 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I really liked your article Kirsten! I think it helps people realize that Aspie girls have just as many struggles in the dating world as Aspie boys do. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by MJM Monday, October 03 @ 01:46:50 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Thats an incredible pretty pic of you. I am 29 and still have done no dating. I have had my chances but screwed them up :S I am also a recovered alcoholic and I was a practicing chronic alcoholic for about 5 years 21 to 26 so that destroyed most of my chances as well. :S |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by League_Girl Monday, October 03 @ 16:58:03 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I struggled with getting dates in real life but I found it a lot easier online. Men would come to me but if I tried going to them, it didn't work out because they not respond to me. That was how I met my husband who had never had a girlfriend but he has had only two dates his whole life while I have had only two boyfriends in my life in less than a year. I have never met a guy in real life and then went out with him and even dated. That only came from online. My husband is like me in some ways and he said he used to be more like me but had learned to adapt. He doesn't have AS but thinks he could have a borderline case of it but he isn't interested in finding out. He is happy with himself and content and already has enough things wrong with him. He does have better social skills than me. Even I am still getting better. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Scythe Friday, October 07 @ 01:46:47 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I found the article interesting especially on the aspect of the female aspie's advantage. Being a male and completely socially awkward has made me nothing less than a hermit trying to avoid contact all together.
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Raven_Morris Friday, October 07 @ 16:38:37 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Thanks for posting the article, an interesting read.
I especially liked this line, it was quite funny, and I could relate: "He seemed perfectly normal, and by that I mean just like me."
I agree about "Such is the perplexing position gender roles put us in."
During elementary school, I never understood the whole gender role thing. While the girls and boys would be talking about "girl germs" and "boy germs", though I never allowed it to influence my own behaviours. I liked certain people, and didn't care what type of genitalia was in their pants, and couldn't understand why these other kids seemed to. I had friends who were girls or boys, basically anyone who would be friends with me. Later I learned that this bias was the fault of societal teachings, but at the time it seemed quite bizarre (well, it still seems bizarre or stupid, even if I know the reasons for it).
There were a couple of typos that you might want to fix:
"I don't know if this is true of if people are just being polite". "true of if" -> "true, or if".
"all the struggles are what taught my to express myself". "taught my to" -> "taught me to".
"I didn't have to learn "game" or anything". "game" -> "the game". |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by earthtoerika Friday, October 07 @ 18:19:25 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.erikahammerschmidt.com/ | | Great article. Being myself got me nowhere with dating in high school and college, because my self of the time was such a weird person. If I was attracted to someone, I announced my desire loudly and bluntly, which tended to scare people away. Then one day, after graduating from college, I went to a party and started in with my usual guy-scaring vulgar jokes.... and there was a guy there who was such a geek that he actually appreciated the directness. When I announced, "I'm saving my virginity until I find someone who will have sex with me!" he replied just as loudly, "I will!" We exchanged contact info after the party, and we have now been married six years. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by RPM Saturday, October 08 @ 07:53:44 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.soundclick.com/ryanmcreynolds | | Oh gosh, I am on the spetrum myself and was for a time engaged to a girl also on the spectrum but I did learna lesson from that one.
I mean boom I dunno if the next gitl I end up with will be on the spectrum or another disability/disorder (or whatever anyone wants to call it) or whatever, but my ex from another state was unfortunately not a mature girl, she was a manipulator and someone who makes auties look bad and she seemed to want me to be the kind of person who does the same and I refused.
Like she would demand I not go places and I told her it is good and healthy to do so, and if I don't then all idiots who have wrong ideas about autism are gonna be proved right and I have a reputation to uphold.
A lesson I learned is I gotta make sure a girl is mature no matter what. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Nereid Sunday, October 09 @ 01:10:29 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I can certainly relate to many points in your article, in particular having no idea how to properly flirt or pursue boys. Regarding asking boys out, I would say for a young aspie girl that can be more hazardous than helpful being forward. For example, if you go about it wrong not knowing what you're doing pursuing a boy, you can come off like a psycho. Case and point, there was a boy in middle school I became enamoured with because a. he was the only guy taller than me and b. he had "beautiful eyes". I knew nothing else about him, but managed to find out his name and phone number and developed a habit of staring him down each time we passed each other in the hallway. A well socially developed girl would realize staring intensely at a boy down the hall not returning the attention and avoiding eye contact is probably not interested....however, I didn't give up. On the last day of school, I handed him a note saying I liked him, but before he could even read it, I flailed away into the bus. He didn't respond to the note, and foolishly I decided to call him on the phone via looking up his number in the phone book. I didn't get the message the first time when I called him up and he was going to be at "basketball camp", nor the second time I called his house. It wasn't until a friend's friend informed me that I "wasn't his type" that I finally caught on.
High school came, and his locker out of the thousands at school was only 4 or 5 away from mine. Seeing him for the next three years( he was a year behind me) was a constant reminder of my faux pas and faulty execution. Then I went on to be 0-3 telling guys that I liked them, although thankfully learned from the first experience not to pursue so vigorously.
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by AriNecromare1213 Sunday, October 09 @ 21:20:05 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | But what if being myself is the reason I cant find a mate? I literally make people feel uncomfortable unintentionally. How am I supposed to be myself when that's not a socially acceptable thing to be? Am I just doomed to be forever alone? |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by misterwackydoodle Sunday, October 09 @ 23:16:56 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://misterwackydoodle.deviantart.com/ | | I read in your article 'girls have the advantage over guys' in flirting. Yeah, I'm a guy, and I've always felt that. I do the monotone thing, and didn't even know until I was close to 30. Still don't know how to flirt except as an academic subject, except with people who communicate on the same wavelength as me, which is pretty few. And real dates I've been on? Less than 10, as far as I can recall. Anyway, thanks for your show and column, some good topics. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by iluvgod Monday, October 10 @ 08:43:22 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | awesome article. it's been hard for me as a guy to ask girls out because i just don't wanna be looked at as some creepy psychopath. thanks for the advice to just be myself and not act unaturally. glad i read this. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by LabPet Wednesday, October 12 @ 07:14:45 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.wrongplanet.net/ | | Thank you, Kirsten, & I really appreciate your previous posts too! Us female Aspies do have our commonalities. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by CheckerboardStrangler Wednesday, October 12 @ 15:28:56 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://deepfreezevideo.com | | It took me sixteen years to finally get through all the mental and emotional baggage of AS to work up the nerve to lasso my current wife who is, by the way, a neurotypical person.
The expected reaction is, "too bad the both of you lost all that time you could have spent together" but in all honesty I don't think it would have worked out any other way.
We have known each other since 1984.
I was quite impressed with her but she was already on her own path far away from where I lived and she moved in very different circles at that time.
I quietly carried my little torch which eventually sputtered out to a mere spark, which got buried in the back of my mind. I forced myself to forget her because something told me she was unattainable.
I moved on, in my own strange circles and found others, but always in my own strange way...they seemingly "found me".
I don't think I could ever explain how it happened either. To this day it is impossible to describe.
My first wife was the one who made the initial move and, quite frankly, swept me off MY feet and, unfortunately, into her own brand of insanity (which has nothing to do with autism at all) but that "starter marriage" wound up helping me learn a lot of much needed coping skills because without them I do not think I would have survived at all in the NT world.
Looking back through all the women I've had serious relationships with, my new wife is the only one I ever hunted, courted, pursued. All the others made the first move or at the very least, made their interest clear or I would never have dared try my luck.
This was the one time I made the decision to try doing something completely out of character.
To my surprise it worked, but I never would have dreamed of doing it in a thousand years, it was a total impulse, almost fate you might say.
That tiny spark which I thought had gone out blazed as bright as day and all of a sudden we "found each other", so to speak.
And again, I can only shrug, look skyward and say that I do not know how I wound up so lucky.
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by NeverToBeBelieved Monday, October 17 @ 01:27:52 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I'd just like to say, that yes, while male Aspies do have it rough, that females aren't entirely off the hook either. From what I've observed (from staring/stalking neurotypicals in what I hope was a non-freakish manner), is that while guys are expected to make the 'first move', girls have to be friendly and pretty enough for them to be approached. And as I can barely make eye contact with someone without cowering in a corner, no human ever approaches me, much less eligible males.
That being said, Kirsten, I really did like your article. When I was a kid, I thought like you did, that relationships just sorta 'happened.' Who would have thought that it actually took effort? |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by diniesaur Friday, December 09 @ 21:46:52 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I agree with what some of the others have said; your attractiveness makes you more likely to get asked out. I would also like to point out another thing: what about Aspies in the LGBT community? People tell me that LGBT people are supposed to have this whole other social thing to navigate, but I have no idea what to do about it.
Also, what about people who don't like the sexist Chivalry thing? I guess this relates to my LGBT point, because I am neither male nor female (I have a biologically female body, though, which is annoying), and I would be very insulted if the type of male who wants to "chase" females and expects me to be bait tried to date me. I want the freedom to ask other people to date me when I want to. I don't buy the "waiting" thing just because I happen to have a vagina. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by craiglll Saturday, December 10 @ 19:30:35 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Hard to relate to what you're saying. I never have really dated. |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by Ketutar Wednesday, December 14 @ 15:50:28 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Well... I suppose the best advice I've got about dating is "marry your best friend". I did :-D
I was diagnosed when I was over 40.
I got my first "real" boyfriend when I was 26.
I have been interested since I was about 10-12.
As a teenager I have been crying for hours for "why I don't have a boyfriend? What's wrong with me?"
Now I know. I have Aspergers.
Which means, I wouldn't KNOW if someone was interested of me. Maybe they were, I just never understood they were.
My husband told me that he was sure I MUST know he's interested and I didn't have a clue. He asked me out to take a walk with him, and I thought it was just a walk. I didn't get it was a date before he took my hand. Then it was "oh, he's interested in me!" That was on a third date after we had been walking all over the town for hours. I mean, I never thought there was anything odd in why a guy would want to spend hours trying to communicate with a foreigner who didn't speak the language especially well... I thought he was just being friendly and nice and kind. :-D
How many guys have the perseverance and courage to keep trying when the girl doesn't respond to "obvious" signals?
A Aspergirl friend of mine told a similar story. Someone asked her out and she misunderstood the question, and was really surprised when they guy returned to her later and asked her why she had rejected him. She hadn't. In fact, she would have been interested. She just didn't understood he was interested too.
Sometimes we would need things to be expressed in a really clear and straightforward, even blunt manner. It's not very romantic and might be rather off-putting, and not many want to work that hard for something one isn't sure of getting... |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by APlaceUnderTheSun Tuesday, December 27 @ 23:56:12 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Hi, from the New York Time article Navigating Love and Autism, it led me to the wrong planet.
My regards to you and Jack.
PS How Kitty too. :-) |
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Re: What's Love Got to Do with It? A Girl's Perspective on Relationships and Autism! (Score: 1)
by zxj1234 Wednesday, February 15 @ 21:05:12 EST
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andy (Score: 1)
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